What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 04:52
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why do Muslims not get HIV/AIDS in spite of having 4 wives and multiple relationships?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I said to her
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ive learnt so much.
Where can Ukrainians go if they cannot have shelter and heating this winter?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So, i spoilt her more .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why do some men like older women?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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She found it foreign!.
I think the readers, may guess!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I couldn’t, believe it.
All the time i was locked up.
Who then, do I blame.?
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i lived it daily.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were not on the streets..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I have no regrets .
This is soul school!.
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I will be 64.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He knew the spot.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I waited trembling.
Comes on , in middle age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Put me off passion for life!!
She loved him until the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It was going to be , some day.
What did i know ?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was 9 years of age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
I was scared of men, in general
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
My life is so biszare .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was very sick at this time too.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My family never makes their pension either.
She was in good health!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But, we were locked up after school.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im still living with it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .